A New Beginning- Day 36

Those who have been following me would of noticed the last post I made was on day 8 of my break up. At that time, like many others in my situation have felt, I felt I had no future, that I’d never be happy nor learn to love again. I wont sugar coat things, the past month was definitely the hardest emotionally journey I’d ever experienced. Feelings of greif, heart ache, disappointment, regret,  anger in myself and misguided anger at who ever was fortunate enough to cross my path when I was a bad mood. I experienced it all. I will come to my reasoning for not posting soon but first, I’d like to highlight my reasoning for coming back. The last time I posted I was in quite an emotional wreck. I am not that person anymore. Now to say that I’m fully healed or have been going on with my life like nothings happened would be a gross overstatement to say the least. I am writing this to exemplify how far I have come, bring more closure to this past period of my life and to demonstrate to others that there is light at the end. Hence this will be the last post I make on the this blog.

My reasoning for abandoning this blog…

This blog provided me with a safe place to release all my feelings, emotions and thoughts as they ran through my head. For that first week it helped hugely, some of the best advice my mate gave me was to write this blog. For those that had been following  day 9 should of been my next post. That day I saw and spoke to my ex, that day gave me hope that there was a possibility that we’d soon be back together. I spent over a week not knowing what the future between us would be. Obviously that talk never amounted to anything. It was after that I decided I couldn’t come back to this blog. I felt writing about all this only forced me to continually think about her, preventing me from moving on and forcing me to remain in a depressed state of mind. To move on, I knew I had to stop focusing on all this, start accomplishing something with my life. That’s when a new era of my life began.

My accomplishments

In the past couple of weeks I’ve gone to great lengths to be constructive, creative and helpful. Constantly trying to keep myself occupied with other matters, often of greater importance than myself in an attempt to once again feel validated. To gain a sense of accomplishment. {Forgive me if I repeat anything from a previous post, I still haven’t gone back to read any of it}. I may of mentioned that through Lions (a charity organisation I belong to) that I began organising a ‘Star Wars Day’ at the children’s section of the The Royal North Shore Hospital in Sydney. Although I’m still at the beginning of this journey I have already met some incredibly brave and selfless people. Seeing the bravery in the faces of children with Cystic Fibrosis is both awe inspiring and heart warming at the same time. Many of these children don’t expect to make it much past 30 if their lucky. Yet, they always seem to have a smile on their face and demonstrate a remarkable passion for life. These are the people that deserve all the support, care and sympathy in the world. If everything goes according to plan, May 4th will see members of the 501st (a charity organisation), the Starlight Foundation, and the Lions of Beecroft Cheltenham getting together to create a fun and memorable day for the ill children stuck in hospital. There’ll be Star Wars themed crafts, games, toys and books available for the kids to play with as well as some surprise visits from their favorite characters from both the films and Clone Wars tv show. I can’t wait to see the excitement and smiles on their faces. The knowledge that your bringing a little enjoyment and happiness to those who really need it, makes any hardship or cost completely worth it. Can’t wait!!

Although the May 4th celebration is the biggest thing I’ve been working on, I’ve also being participating in lots of smaller, more personal projects. I’ll just mention a few.

Just over two weeks ago, I painted a mural in my little brothers new cubby house. Now my original plan was to paint the wall like the inside of a Star Destroyer. That was all good… Until at the last second my brother decided he wanted it painted in army patterns, like the camo on his favorite T-shirt. So of course I obliged. A couple days later, here it is. Needless to say he obsoletely loves it…

 

Now being a predominantly creative person, I’m glad to say I’ve finally got back into my drawing. Now I’m no professional artist but I’ve always found drawing to be a great release and source of escapism. It took me a long time to get back into drawing after the break up, but since then I haven’t looked back. I’ve been very busy in what I call my ‘sharpie book’. I drew this one because it was a light pencil sketch left in my sharpie book by my ex, she’d drawn it only weeks before our breakup. I could never bring myself to rub it out, so instead I went over it with sharpies adding my own deco and flavour to it. Obviously it’s quite Japanese inspired. The writing does say something, the Japanese character on waste says ‘Love’. I won’t revealwhat the rest is. That can be for you people out there to workout, assuming I wrote all the characters properly… at least I know what it’s meant to say.  The reason I had such I hard problem getting back to drawing was my lack of inspiration. The feelings I had for my girlfriend bought me so much happiness which gave me never ending fuel for my creativity. I don’t really know what inspires me now, perhaps it’s a desire to accomplish something, to do something useful. I’ve actually gone back to my original blog which I started for uni. Now I will admit I neglected it for months but pretty much since I stopped updating this one I’ve

been there posting a whole bunch of creative and interesting things (at least things I find interesting). I’ve actually been posting some original T-shirt designs, one each week since university has gone back. Their simple designs, utilising my drawings with some simple photoshop editing, a little bit of fun really. Nothing to serious.

 

 

 

Lastly, this week a friend and I were asked to film the launch of the new burger range at a McDonalds store in Newcastle. We’re to present a 4min promo showcasing a local burger launch to McDonalds international executives when they visit from America. Now media production being my major at uni, I took to this assignment with great enthusiasm. We were only there a few hours but I had such a great time, met so many cool people and learnt so much about filming in the field. Although the two of us volunteered to do it as work experience, McDonalds have already done lots to reward us for our efforts even though we haven’t submitted the video yet.  Editing is currently underway. We’ve only got three days to have everything edited and submitted. Not an easy task when I have multiple uni assignments going on, but I guess that’s half the fun, working to a tight deadline.

Now to sum up some of my feelings at the present…

I was madly in love with her. I would of done anything and everything for her. I cared about  her more than anything thing in the world. I could of spent the rest of my life with her… But that’s no longer the way things are, I’ve accepted that. After speaking to a mentor, I came to the conclusion that I can not let another person have such a great hold over my mind. I have grieved, which is both natural and necessary, but I will no longer let a decision they made make me feel depressed. I’m in control of my own mind and I want to feel happy, I want to be excited for my future, I want to enjoy life. I may not yet be at 100%, but I know I’ll get there. Still, there are moments here and there that I think about her. But not the way I use to. I only feel disappointment in her decision,  disappointment in the state of her life. From what I understood she broke up with me to find what she wants in life, to not be tied down. It seems the only new thing she found was now she can go out clubbing three times a week. What a waste. She has no money in the first place, she can’t even afford to pay her own phone bill. Her job gives her little to no shifts, she’s had one job interview that never amounted to anything, she seems only to of gone backwards since we separated. Even her friends have told me how sad it is, some of them gave up and don’t even speak to her.  I don’t particularly care, I just find it sad, I thought I saw greater potential in her.Perhaps not… It’s a pity.

Signing out.

To finish off I’d like to say thank you to everyone who read my posts, I really appreciate it. Watching the views, likes and follows go up gave me confidence that I wasn’t alone, that I wasn’t the first person to go through this. It gave me strength to push through the pain and come out the other side a stronger person. So again, thank you all.

If anyone would like to check me out on my main blog and follow me into the future, head over to http://beauyfett.wordpress.com/

Day 8 – The Break up

Last night was filled with dreams, some good and some bad. So what was the best dream, the one that gave me the most comfort, the one that made me feel all giddy inside? It was simply this… I found myself sitting at my grandmas table with my love sitting opposite. We were still, simply holding hands staring into each others eyes with hopeful, childish smiles. No one else was there, just us and our passionate love for each other. Everything around was dark, except for the light radiating from the two of us. It was perfect, but alas, I know now that the only way I’ll ever get to hold her delicate warms hands and stare into her hypnotizing hazel eyes is though my dreams. Other dreams were not so amazing, one (that seems to keep happening) I found myself running as hard as I could, through forests and creeks, climbing up the sides of cliffs all to reach the summit of this mountain where she would be waiting for me. Somehow climbing this mountain would mean we could be together again. If only it was that simple.  How is one supposed to move on when dreams seem to do nothing but act as a reminder of loss. Even the good dreams do nothing but give false hope to a certain unlikely future, they force me to reacquaint myself with my harsh reality, often resulting in more lost sleep as I battle myself to return to slumber. So much conflict, so much wasted energy, all before I even get up. No wonder I feel so exhausted everyday.

At least this morning I slept in past 5am and onto 6:30am. But still it’s not ideal, I wish there was away to make it better, if only my mind didn’t decide to go into hyperdrive with thoughts bought about from my dreams. If only I could relax mind, stop my heart from running a marathon or let my worries wait for a later time.

Today my good friend from high school Remi will take me out. I hadn’t told her what happened until the night I saw her in town. I was there for her during her break, she wants to be there for me now, return the favor. I’m appreciative for that, the hug she gave me when I told her felt so comforting. A feeling that you can’t get from guy friends. Hugs are what I need.

Remi finally came around, she grabbed me and took me to shops. We wondered around aimlessly for an hour, it didn’t bother me, I was just happy to be out of the house and have some nice company. It was refreshing to get a girls perspective on everything that had passed, although she didn’t really say anything new, hearing her back up some of the suggestions people had made, helped me gain a bit more confidence. Back at her house we watched ‘Death at a Funeral’, an oldie, but a goodie. Although I nearly fell asleep, it was great to relax in a new environment with a close friend. For lunch the two of us went to a nice Chinese place, spent $30 between two and holy cow, swear I nearly ate a whole cow. There was so much food. I still haven’t managed to work my appetite back to my pre break up level so lunch felt like a marathon. Although I’m starting to eat at the regular times, my portions are a fraction of the size they once were. The atmosphere of being in a restaurant was a great change of scenery, sitting outside was truly a breath of fresh air (excuse the pun).

After lunch Sarah and I went back to Billy’s, James was already there. It was great to just have the four of us in the one room again, since three of have had partners for the last couple years it isn’t every day that just the four of us could get together chill, at least not since early finishes at high school. It’s like nothing had changed, we still stalked about the same stupid things making the same lame jokes. But even still, as much as I thoroughly cherished that time with just the four of us, I always felt like something was missing… You can probably guess who it was. Just to hold her next to me and share awkward glances when we noticed something funny that no one else did. It’s the little thoughts like that which are so hard to ignore, which make you smile until you realise they wont happen anymore. When you spend so much time with someone it is hard to have a memory that doesn’t involve them. Even if they weren’t present at the time, there’s always some obscure connection linking them to the situation.

Although my love failed to meet up with me and talk over the weekend, I decided to give her one last call. I resisted calling her over the weekend as I didn’t want to sound pushy nor give her any other reason to be annoyed at me. When I spoke to her, hearing her voice was like hearing the sound of heaven. She didn’t sound annoyed, she didn’t sound disappointed. That’s all I could of hopped for. We didn’t talk long, I simply asked how she was going, didn’t go into any detail and let her know  I just want to talk to ensure that if this is the end  that we end on the best terms possible. Her cousin apparently spoke to her and encouraged her that she does need to talk and can’t run away from her responsibility. She assured her that I had no bad feelings regarding her and wished no ill will upon her. I guess she was just as scared of me hating her as I was of her hating me.

In the night the Billy, James and I watched ‘The Walking Dead’ with Billys family. I was a little hesitant at first, ‘The Walking Dead’ was a series that me and my love began watching together, although we never got caught up to the Tv, we were about 6 episodes behind. I figured I ‘m never gonna want to go back and watch those other episodes without her so I might as well just start watching the series from here. As much as I enjoy the show, I didn’t feel like I missed much. Within 15 minutes I already knew who had survived the 6 episodes which is really all I cared about. Sorry I’m not good with names but I’m so glad that kids mum died, she was a bitch…

Following the Walking dead, us boys watched some quality ‘Star Wars the Clone Wars’. The new Darth Maul episodes are have some of the best lightsaber battles period. Although there was one scene which nearly made me cry (even though I’d seen the episode a couple weeks earlier). When Obi Wan‘s kinda forbidden love interest professed her love to him as she died, I started to well up a little. I’m a little sensitive to love scenes at the moment. I always found love stories to be the most boring on screen but dam, that one made me tear up like a little baby.

Falling asleep to Star Wars Episode 1, I felt markedly better than the day before. I went from one of the worst to one of the best. Speaking to her cousin again really relaxed my state of mind, releasing much of the anxiety I’d built up in my mind. Although it was a late night as I didn’t drift off until sometime after midnight, it was probably the easiest sleep to fall into.

(This post will be updated throughout the day)

Day 7 – The brake up

Today I wasn’t worried about waking up at the unholy time of 5am. By not going to bed until 6:30am, I at least went to sleep confident that I there’d be no 5:00am start for me. My slow, dreary start to the day ended up coming at 9am. Yay, a sort of but technically not sleep in. Go me! I ended up getting dropped home by a mates dad around 9:30 only to find everyone still asleep in my house. It was eerily silent. That was until I saw my six year old came down the stairs. I was just drowsily sitting eating some yoghurt and oats when he walked up to me wanting to play to fight me with the lightsabers. How do you explain to a 6 year old that sometimes a man needs his sleep before duelling? In the end it didn’t matter, I finished my breakfast then we fought each other with lightsabers.

Today my loves cousin Sarah went to visit her. Hopefully she may learn something that I didn’t know, something to help my tormented mind be at ease. I won’t hypothesise the potential to much, wishful thoughts like that nearly always end in sadness.

After hours of nothingness I called her cousin, only problem was my love was there and staying the night. I guess I wont be able to find out anything until tomorrow afternoon. All the waiting on answers is driving me crazy, every time I think I’m about to get some form of answer something interrupts. It has a terrible effect on my mind, I can feel the anxiety building.

In the afternoon I ended up falling asleep, first for an hour, then sent off a few messages then again for another hour and a half. I thought extra sleep was meant to make you feel better, it only fuel my depression, intensifying all emotions and thoughts. I cried again today, not just a bit. A lot. And what set it off? My mum telling me to hang washing on the line. How the fuck (excuse the language) does that have anything to do with anything!? So I cried and cried then cried some more. Before I knew it 9pm had come around. Time for some real sleep.

Today was one of my worst. I felt so downbeat, so tired and all round drained of energy and motivation, I couldn’t even bring myself to type this blog. I was lucky to get out this much…

Day 6 – The Break Up

Once again my day starts at the unholy hour of 5am, an hour that I never even knew existed until this past week. Again I woke to the torments of my brain still trying to comprehend the gravity of the situation. My heart, beating ferociously as if waking from a nightmare. But my night mare doesn’t end when I wake. It simply begins. What are people supposed to do at 5 in the morning. Once again I found myself staring into the nothingness of the ceiling, bored and frustrated at myself more than anything for not being able to sleep like a normal person anymore. Although usually I’m a big audiobook/ podcast listener, the last five days of torment have prevented me from enjoying any of it. This morning a new podcast dropped from my favourite station Rebel Force Radio , listening to that gave me some comfort, slowing my heart rate, allowing my mind to focus on something other than my break up. Their in depth commentary and discussion on the latest episode of Star Wars the Clone Wars, was a great change to all the pain and misery I’d been through. To focus on something that is realistically so inconsequential was a great escape. Star Wars has always been one of the great escapes for me, even before my girlfriend so dipping into that universe doesn’t seem to remind me of her the way other activities seem to. Besides my girlfriend, Star Wars is my other big creative motivator. By easing myself back into my old routine of weekly Star Wars podcast listening, perhaps I could get myself back into some state of normality.

This morning I finally got some good news. Last week I submitted a proposal to my Lions club. My plan was to go into the children’s hospital on Star Wars day (may the 4th) and set up some fun Star Wars themed crafts and activities for the children to do. Today I finally heard back form the club. They thought it was a wonderful idea, preparations are already being made to get the plan moving along. Next week I’ll be meeting with hospital staff to work out the costs and logistics of plan. We’ll also be looking for a sponsor to help cover costs, raise awareness and money for the hospital. Only being officially in the club just over two months now it was great that my first idea was met with such great enthusiasm, a timely confidence booster. When I was four years old I was in and out of hospitals for months at a time with juvenile arthritis and fluid around the heart. Doctors feared it could have lasting effects, blindness being just one (no idea how blindess could be related to that?). Remarkably the only lasting effect seems to be that I didn’t quite grow as tall as I might of, that being a result of the steroids they put me on which stopped my growth for eight months. Helping to make sick child’s day in hospital just a little brighter is something I’ve always been passionate about doing. I’m glad that now I may be able to live out that dream.

Being a rather hot bothersome day today I managed to get out and go for a swim with James and Billy. We had a really nice chill day, made big ass burrito’s for lunch and critiqued all the ‘indie’ music videos on the top forty count down. The very meaning of a care free day.

Getting home in the afternoon gave me the opportunity to have my first home workout since the day it all went down. On the day she broke up with me I was actually in the middle of a workout. I was worried that working out home alone might ruin my great mood. Usually during a workout I’d play crazy, angry, metal music. Recognising that’s probably not a wise decision to do today I opted for some fun, crazy, pumping dubstep courtesy of Skrillex.That’s what I needed. It kept me working hard without a toxic thought in mind for over an hour until my body couldn’t take anymore. As I might of said in an earlier post (or not, I haven’t actually looked back at my old ones yet) I love the pain I get from working out. It makes me feel in control, it’s as if i’m accomplishing something. Usually after a workout I make myself a protein smoothie (no supplements, only natural ingredients) however this time mum was making non-alcoholic pina coladas. I figured why not, I earned it, it can’t be that bad. So for post workout snack I had a can of tuna, a small handful of almonds and non alcoholic pina coladas. Not a bad effort really.

So for the night my mates decided to take me out to some clubs to get stupidly drunk and dance all night. On normal circumstances I’d say no. I don’t like drinking, I don’t like dancing, I don’t like sweaty people bumping up on me all night and I certainly can’t stand the sleazy guys going around grinding on chick to chick. As much as I didn’t want to it seemed I really had no choice in the matter, they would of forced me out no matter what. So I did, I got out, I danced and I had fun. But it wasn’t all fun, she was there, my love, with her friend. That didn’t bother me. What bothered me was the way my friend and her friend were texting each other the whole night so we were never in the same area, so we could never see each other. I’m all for supportive friends giving advice, but I do not like them directly interfering with our brake up in such a way. Perhaps if it was a month down the line and nothing had changed and I was still posting depressing blogs I could understand their pulling me away. But it has barely been a week, the wounds are still bleeding, still we are confused and unsure of what it is we really want. It felt petty and childish, as if they knew what was best for our relationship better than we did. No I was never going to go up to her and start a conversation, I was never going to go and dance with her the way I had in the past. I just can’t stand other people directly interfering in such a way that it makes it harder for us to talk. For us to sort out our few remaining concerns before it’s all over. It was the angriest I’d felt since the break up.

Getting back to my mates we had a long serious drunk d ‘n’ m. Part of the reason why I don’t drink was I hate the feeling of coming down, it always made me so depressed. Talking seemed to only unleash my feelings more. I don’t like offloading my problems on other people, I don’t like asking or accepting help. I prefer to deal with it on my own. Coming down from being drunk only intensified those tortured frame of mind. After a long discussion, James finally calmed me down to state that may of been bearable to sleep.

Just before I was about to embrace the numb escape of sleep, I began talking to my loves close cousin Sarah. I felt she, out of anyone in the world, would understand the relationship I had with my love. She really empathized with and understood my love better than anyone. Friends come and go but family stay the same. She didn’t know what happened between us, she didn’t know we were separated. We got talking and the phone and she asked so what happened? At that point I once again began to think, what did happen? We so good together, we had invested so much energy and been through so much, so why do it all go down so quickly and so suddenly. My failure to answer the question reinforced the state of shock I’d felt all week, never truly being able to comprehend what happend and why. The ever lingering hollowness becoming more and more apparent. Hearing her deep disappointment for what transpired only exemplified in my mind the terrible mistake that had occurred, the wrong decision that was made. I began to question, what if my love had asked her cousins advice instead. But hypotheticals are pointless, they only build false hope where none ever truly exists. My conversation with her lasted hours, out of all of my loves family she was always the one that I knew I could talk about anything and everything. I just never expected to be talking with her about my breakup. We talked about a great many things in life until my phone finally died and it was time for bed. A somber end to what had earlier been by far the best day since the ordeal began.

Why did I not read a blog like this earlier, so many of the issues in my relationship were caused by my ‘unhealthy expectations’. This is a lesson I will do my best never to repeat.

Day 5

This is it, this is the day when I will finally speak to her again. The thought of this moment was with me throughout the previous night. My brain constantly dreaming of the moment, over and over and over agin. Each time with a different outcome. Each time a different conversation, each dream bringing me one step closer to the real thing. Getting up at 7am my belly had that hollow feeling again. Nervous fear. That everything could boil down to this, this could be my last ever chance with her. Never before have I felt so much pressure, never have I felt so nervous for the outcome of a simple conversation. I tried to put food in my belly but it did nothing to dull the feelings. Still I am unsure of how to make the first contact, do I call? Do I message her? Do I knock on her front door? Do I come with a gift? Do I give her a rose or a bunch of flowers? Do I get straight to the point or do I begin with a general conversation? It’s the little questions like this that kept me awake at night.

So I just called her and simply asked if we could talk when she gets home, she simply replied with a yes and that it will probably be tomorrow. Although it was short and to the point, I could tell by her voice she still felt down. I tired to hide the feelings in my voice, I tried to sound as cool, calm and collected as possible. Though I’m not sure if I pulled it off…

After leaving early this morning James came back over for some lunch. We made some bacon and eggs on toast, it was the biggest meal I’d had all week. I’ve spent most my time since then watching mindless tv programs at James’ house. Still my body craves the touch of her soft, warm, smooth skin. Mindless tv could be far more tolerable if only I had her to snuggle, if only I could hold her hand, if only i could kiss her luscious, sweet red lips. The afternoon provided my greatest relief so far. I had my first workout in five days. Focusing on simply lifting weights provided my first real escape, only problem was it only lasted but an hour. Strange as it may seem, the pain I feel when exercising is exhilarating, it spurs me on to try harder and harder. The pain in my body dulls the pain in my heart.

Getting home after the workout I sat back and just laid on the couch watching the news. Reports of the Tasmanian bush fires still raging bought back my memoires of being trapped down there by the fires on our holiday just after Christmas to mid January. After staying in Hobart for one night, we were booked to stay at the Port Arthur Villas for the next. By this time the ‘Forcett’ fire had just broken out. Driving along the highway we could see thick smoke in low lying areas, even flames only a couple hundred metres from the road. It wasn’t until that night after a sweltering 42 degree day that we learned the only road on or off the Tasman Peninsula was closed due the fire crossing at multiple points. Long story short, we ended up being stuck on the peninsula for 5 days with no electricity, phone signal or hot water. Lucky for us we’d booked a stay at the Villas, for over 1500 hundred people were estimated to of been stuck at the Port Arthur Historical site on that first night. Most sleeping in cars or on the ground inside the visitors centre. Each day was faced with uncertainty, contradictory reports from the fire servies and radio meant no one had any real grasp of what was going on at any given time. The strong winds were continually changing direction, yet as each day passed the fires seemed to creep further and further south down towards us at the bottom of the peninsula. Everyday it rained ash and thick clouds of smoke would coming and going as they pleased. The uncertainty put a deep seeded fear in the back of everyones mind, although we rarely showed it. For me, my motivation to push on was my drive to get back home to give my love her birthday present. Without phone contact I knew she’d be back home in Sydney worrying about me, my determination to get back to her gave me courage like I’d never felt. Her present was a Thomas Sabo pearl bracelet with a dragonfly charm (dragonfly’s being her favourite). Being young and without much money, it was the most amount I’d ever spent on anyone other than myself. I knew I had to get back to give it to her. Being on a constant state of alert meant we could be evacuated at anytime. For that reason I always kept her gift close by, where ever I went. My desire to get back to her made me strong through those uncertain times. Love can really be a great motivator.

The smoke on the first day rose like a Volcano

Although I feel I faced many personal hardships, I’d like to acknowledge that what I went through was nothing compared to what the locals faced. Being on holidays, we always had a sense of this situation being temporary. One day we will go home, look back on the experience and appreciate how lucky we really were. Many of the locals we met didn’t have homes to go back to. The fire didn’t discriminate, it tore through houses, businesses and schools all the same. Driving off the peninsula in a police escorted convoy with hundreds of other cars, we drove through multiple towns completely burned out by the blazing inferno. It was awful,  you would see four empty blocks with only ashes and rubble remaining, one house standing tall without a mark, then the next for blocks would be completely obliterated. The randomness is truly incomprehensible. The for those local people they truly lost it all, as much as I felt what I was going through was hard or what I’m going through now is hard. I know what they went through, what they are still going through, is worse. Although I feel like I have to rebuild my life from the ground up, at least I have a roof over my head to do so. These people don’t have that. When in great pain I feel it is important to try and put things in true perspective, more often then not, there are many more people dealing with worse than you are.

The innocence of children truly is an extraordinary thing. This afternoon I came out the front to find my little 6 year old brother and our next door neighbours kids riding scooters and skate boards up and down the driveway. They were having so much fun, giggling , smiling at the most simple of things. I thought that’s not fair, why do they get to have all the fun. So I figured why not join them. I began to run around, screaming , jumping and shouting like the six year old I know I really am. It was like I had no other care in the world. Their blissful ignorance is a much needed escape from everything else I’ve had to deal with the past week.

Now I find myself sitting out the front alone as the sun goes down. I don’t feel lonely, rather I feel satisfied. As if I accomplished something today. Not much. Just that little something. Although its early, and I know there will still be hard times ahead, I feel I’m on the road to recovery. As I sat in this new found frame of mind, a couple rode past, the father had a little extra seat with a baby for their child. The site bought warm feelings to heart, perhaps one day that could be me. Not now, one day

My night finished with a two hour night drive. I had my mum and sister in the car, it was so relaxing to just keep driving with no destination in site. Getting home at 9:30 my little bother was up. When he saw me, he pulled me aside and whispered in my ear “can I sleep in your bed and watch Star Wars?”. Being the awesome brother I am, I said of course. So we went up stairs and fell asleep watching the clone wars. It was a good night.

Day 4

This morning was another early start, once again I was awake by 5am. This time I forced myself to stay in bed and shut my eyes. Although I didn’t get any extra sleep, I was able to rest my body, even if my brain still felt as though it was running a marathon. For breakfast today I managed to force down a raw mushroom and a couple slices on watermelon. By 7am I found myself sitting on the couch staring aimlessly into the blackness of the off television, still clutching my phone in handshould a message come through. By 7:30 I just couldn’t stand it any longer, I waked on some clothes and shoes then went for a walk. Just up the road frommy house I noticed a crushed rose, petals scattered everywhere, the stalk and leaves flattened. It was the rose I’d left there the night before. The rose in its previous form a symbol of my passionate love, now trampled it was a symbol of my broken hart. Although it pained me to see I kept walking at snails pace for another hour. Arriving home exhausted I headed straight up stairs and hit my bed. I laid there not sleeping but with my eyes closed in a dream like state, my mind not able to concentrate on any one particular thing, bouncing from though to thought. Before I knew over an hour had passed in this state, it could of been longer if I wasn’t startled by the loud screech of big heavy truck brakes then the loud thud as it demolished what ever was infront. I tried to spot something from my window but I couldn’t see anything, I could only hear the noise of peoples screams andshouts of anger.

Although some of the initial shock has past, those emotions seem to have only turned to grief. Grief akin to that of loosing a dear loved one. Through these feelings I’m reminded of a promise I made to my great grandfather after he passed away. When he passed away I’d only been with my girlfriend a relatively short time, only a couple of months. I was an emotional wreck, the feelings I had then were as powerful as the ones I feel now. Although I myself was distraught, I couldn’t bare to think what my great grandmother was going through, loosing her husband of over 60 years. I held her hand in the car from the cemetery all the way home, over a 40 minute drive. At times she’d loosen her grip and others squeeze so hard I felt the circulation stop in my hand. I managed to keep myself rather composed the rest of the day after leaving the cemetery, trying to be strong for her. That was until I got home, alone in my bed. All I could think of was how great a man he must of been for having a loving caring wife for so many years, right to end.They were each others first and last. Having my parents split up from an early age and never knowing my grandma and grandpa when they were together lead me to believe relationships could never work. My great grand parents gave me hope that perhaps true love truly could conquer. So that night I made a promise to my great grandfather aloud, I would always love my girlfriend, I would always do everything I can to make her happy no matter the cost, I will always be there when she needs me, through rough times and good times, I will never give up for her.

Before the break up I felt conflicted with emotions, I thought I’d hit rock bottom. Only now do I realise how wrong I was, how far I still had to fall, how much she really meant to me. Like the old cliched saying, you don’t know what you’ve got until its gone. In a vain attempt to make myself feel better, I started wiring out a bit of a speech for when we talk next. I feel my poor word choice is what led to the break to the break up in the first place. I don’t know want to get it wrong again as this may be my last ever chance. Although I’ve written over 600 words, I feel I’ll most likely end up scrapping it. The more I read over it, the more I think its weak. How do you type what could be your last words to the person you love?

I asked James to come pick me up to get me out of the house. We ended up doing some grocery shopping for his mum, I didn’t mind, I was just happy to be out of the house. The only problem was everywhere I looked I thought she was about to walk around the corner. It was like being haunted by an army of ghosts. Driving with James, I was reminded of the time just after I got back from my holidays, less than a month ago me James and Billy were chilling. They were drinking but I was sober. We were deep in conversation, somehow the topic of marriage came up. I accidentally started my sentence off with “when me and Chloe get married…”. Of course I passed it off as a slip of the tongue in front of them. But it got me thinking deeper, what if we did get married? I never let myself get to carried away thinking so far ahead, but when I did it felt right, like my future was bright.

Watching New Girl on the couch I’m constantly reminded her fun, playful and sometimes downright embarrassing personality. The personality that made me so in love with her in the first place. It’s hard to watch anything without being reminded of her.

Hanging out with James for the night really helped me take my mind off everything. His company is soothing, he’d just broke up with his girlfriend of two years a month ago. I’d tried to be there for him as much as I could, all the while knowing that there were issues in my relationship. I just never thought the issues in mine would ever lead up to this point. James and I ended up falling asleep to the making of Star Wars in my lounge room, I was on the couch with my oversized golden retriever laying with me. It didn’t matter that he took up a third oh the couch only that I had someone (or something) to cuddle. I miss the suggles at night. Having one of my best sleeps ever I woke at 3:00am this time. Again thoughts about what day 5 would hold kept me in restless sleep until I got out of bed at 7:00am.

 

Day 3

Last nights sleep was of slight improvement, although that was mostly due to how cold and uncomfortable my sisters bedroom floor was. The physical pain from the hard ground provided temporary escape from the true pain that had been causing so much trouble in my mind over the last two days. My morning began at 5:00am, I woke up only to find myself staring into the nothingness of the plain white ceiling for the next two hours. Slowly anxiety building as I wonder what new dark manifestation my feelings could take today. Hunger still avoids me, as much has my body seems to reject food I forced myself to at least have something. I made a banana and peach smoothie, it was once a daily ritual. I’d have a workout  in the afternoon then follow it up with a delicious smoothie. This one had no taste yet I made it the same as always, it took me so long to force down, all the while I could feel my stomach begging for me to stop. Once I was done I felt even worse than not eating. The rest of the early morning was spent nursing my aching stomach, trying to prevent myself from vomiting up what little was in my belly as I stared aimlessly into the computer screen for something to distract me from my pain. I attempted to try and do some drawing but even that was a stark reminder of what I’d lost. I couldn’t even open my art book as I knew there were several favourite drawings of mine dedicated to the love have for her. I created those drawings on my most recent holiday to give me comfort when I missed her, she was my inspiration, but now no more.

My name and hers in Hebrew.

This has my name and hers in Japanese. The dragon, is protecting the dragonfly but still giving it the space to fly free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although I’ve spent more than three weeks away from my girlfriend in the past, these last three days have been the hardest. Never have I missed her more. While I’m away I live with the feeling that when I get back she’ll be there to welcome me home. Thinking about the loss of that sensation, that she will never hold me in her arms after being away, pains me to my core. I feel the urge to contact her getting stronger but so far i’m still resisting.

As far as learning experiences go, I feel a realisation. I expected to much from her. While I believed deep attachment to be an integral part of a relationship, I find that is what drove her away. My dependancy is what restricted her, leading her to want to break free. I only wish that I had come to that conclusion earlier so I could of changed my ways, hindsight can be a terrible curse. The short time apart has been a wake up call to get my act together, get my license, get a job and stop using university as an excuse to do nothing. So far I’ve printed off ten high quality resumes and applied for another place online. This last online submission I worked on for over two hours. The job requires clear and concise writing skills (although I feel I have anything but that right now), so I’ve spent a lot of time editing and perfecting my submission. It shouldn’t really of taken so long to write the submission, every now and then my mind would trail back to what I was trying so desperately hard to forget. Again my mind creating theories of how I could be back with her, how we could rebuild our relationship anew. I realise that the way our relationship was going it could not continue, but perhaps, just maybe, we could remodel it into a new form. One that suits our wants and needs of today. One with love and compassion, but one that allows for the freedom to be free of each other when need be. Not to feel tied down to one geographical location, but be versatile in wherever our lives may take us.

Once again lunch was a no show. This time I could feel the slight hunger but as soon as I look at food, the feeling turns to sickness. It has been a silent day, no music playing, no tv going, no movies on my computer and no people in the house besides me. All alone. It’s not that people haven’t asled me to hang out rather I still prefer to be alone so I can better contemplate my feeling and think of my next move. Keeping myself busy with this blog and writing up job applications is all that keeps me occupied. Often I find myself just leaning up against the window, staring out into the peaceful sunny world. The sound of birds and passing cars helping me to relax, the simplicity of the sounds helping to calm my mind of overwhelmingly complicated feelings.

The first piece of exciting news this past week came through. I got offered a job to tutor a year 6 child in maths at $25 an hour. Now it’s just a start but I’m happy for that. Although in the process I may of got a little excited and sent her a message explaining my new opportunity. She replied straight  away, again the feelings that she still cares come back. I’m tempted to keep talking, just hold a conversation, nothing serious, for that would make me happy again. I found myself more excited that she even replied to me let alone the fact I got offered a job, talking to her again just felt so right. I noticed myself get all giddy inside from her two lined response, it felt like the first time I ever spoke to her. I wasn’t quite sure what to say but once she responded I was instantly hooked. I dare not reveal my other feels to her, they will wait for another time. She and neither I am ready to discuss them.

Something I thought today, how can they call it social media if I can spend all day on it only to say one sentence to one person. Doesn’t sound very social to me. I went through a stage the last two moths where I didn’t even have Facebook on my phone, now however, I’ve been sitting on it all day just waiting for something to happen.

So my first trip out of the house was driving my sister to work. With all the traffic and a short stop at Officeworks the trip took 40 minutes. The drive to her work and back should only take about 15 minutes. The drive was boring but necessary, I’m just glad to get my hours up. I started to feel my phone ring in my pocket while I was driving, before I knew it I’d grabbed it out and was about to answer it. The lingering thought that perhaps she was finally calling, made me move at light speed.  Once I realised what I was about to do I gave the phone to my mum to answer. It was just my dad. They spoke the whole way home, in my mind all I could think was I have to tell him what has happened. But I was scared to tell him, my girlfriend and I bought tickets two a rock concert with a couple of friends and him. How could I tell him that she’s not longer coming, we were all looking so forward to the occasion. The tickets were bought over 6 months in advanced. Even though I knew our relationship was having problems in recent weeks I felt once we went to the concert, spending a week in Sydney just the two of us we could properly smooth things out. It was the one thing I’d bee looking forward to but now, I guess it wont happen. I still haven’t spoken to her about the concert, as much as I’d love for her to still come, she probably wont want to :( The conversation with my dad ended in my denying anything was wrong, even though he could still tell something was up. Now that I think about it I haven’t even told my mum, just my sister James and Billy.

Now it seems i’m in the ‘can’t sit still, must keep walking around’ stage. I keep walking up to my window then sitting on my bed. Walking downstairs for a drink then sitting on my bed. Checking on my little brother then sitting at my desk. I’m never in the same place more than a few minutes. I just keep pacing up and down, constantly waiting for something to happen. My rooms messy but I still have no motivation to fix it….

After sitting zombie like infront of the playstation for half an hour I decided to go for walk on my own.It was dark outside, barely a car on the road. I started heading in one direction and suddenly it reminded me of Valentines day two years ago. Here’s a little anecdote from that day.

We as a couple decided that for Valentines day we were not going to buy each other silly gifts, mainly because the prices on everything to do with Valentines day is way over priced. This day was a school day for us both, I in year 12 and her in 11. I got home early that day, although we agreed not to buy anything I felt I must do something. I remembered the most amazing rose bush outside one of my friends houses and realised  I had to have one. I didn’t have much time though, I had to meet her at the bus stop  near the end of my street in half hour. Not having a drivers license I figured half an hour is about as long as I’d take. So I jumped on my skate board and pushed as hard as I could, this particular day was steaming hot, typical of an Aussie summer. I got to the bush, found the nicest rose and began to pull it off. Not quite realising how sharp barbs where I pricked myself. Not having any tools handy I ripped off my shirt and used it as a clove to pull out the stubborn rose. Realising I’d wasted to much time there I rushed as fast as I could home. My shirt still off holding the rose, after exhausting pushes up and down hill, I was nearly there. But then I saw her bus coming, the bus and I both had about 300 meters to the stop. It was race. Needless to say the bus won but that didn’t stop me pushing as hard as I could to get to her. The feeling I had when I saw the excitement on her face was remarkable, I can’t describe the feeling I get seeing her happy like that. I’m fairly sure she still has that rose flattened and preserved somewhere in her room.

So anyway the point of all that was to say that on my walk tonight I started heading in that direction, I was about a third of the way there when I thought, “I’m going to pick a rose from that bush once again”. Since I didn’t have my board I ran back home, grabbed it, then I was on my journey. It felt like Valentines day all over again, I was pushing so fast, not because I needed to be anywhere by anytime, but It helped me to escape and relive that moment, even if only for a short time. This time when I got home with the rose there was no one to give it to. I placed it in the middle of the road and said to myself, “next time”.

The night wasn’t what I planned but it gave me an escape none the less. Still I’m unable to decide where to sleep, although I sat in my bed all day I don’t know if I can sleep in it. I don’t want to wake up to find myself alone. When will this nightmare end…

By 11 I finally fell asleep in my own bed.

Day 2

Got up at 7:15, James dropped me home and I was back in my empty bed. My room is still a mess and any motivation to clean is long gone. I felt some time alone is what I needed. I nearly broke out into tears simply walking back through my bedroom door, the place where I watched her walk away. For some reason I felt ashamed to tell my family what had happened, as if it was my fault, I didn’t want to disappoint then. My family loved my girlfriend, I think my sister wanted to adopt her just so she could have a real sister. My girlfriend was the closest thing she ever had to a sister and now she is gone. Failing this relationship meant failing mysister to.

It was at this point that I began to write this blog. As I hoped itgave me temporary emotional clarity. Only when I focus on recounting events into words can I think clearly.

Silence is what i fear yet it’s what I crave most. I can’t stop checking my phone, thinking I’m hearing it vibrate only to find there’s nothing there. I feel the urge to call or text her, hoping that perhaps there was some sort of misunderstanding, that we could go back to normal, but alas I feel that is already to late. Still I hold onto the hope that she might call and give me word that she wants me back.

As far as me calling or texting her, I decided to put it off as long as possible. But I still feel I lack the closure I need. Perhaps just one more face to face conversation is all I need. My goal is to put off talking to her until day 5. As much as I feel I need to let her know what I’m going through, I’m sure she’s probably facing similar emotions, I would hate to make her feel worse by adding guilt to the mix.

I came close to calling her so I messaged her best friend instead. I was praying that perhaps she could give me hope, closure, or anything to change the state of mind I’m in. I’m scared her friends will try to be ‘the comforting friend’ by saying things like “it was never meant to be”, “your to good for him”. I did everything I ever could for, I’ve always strived to be the greatest partner I can. Hopefully by talking to her friend she may keep the door open for me, give me hope of someday being back together.

Today I went to the shops with my mum. Most of the time I was silent, saying the minimal amount possible while my mind ran at a million miles per second thinking of everything but the present. Mum just needed to make a last stop at the supermarket to grab some milk, feeling both emotionally and physically drained I decided to go wait in the car. After being alone in the car for just a few minutes I felt my emotions taking hold of me, just as I was about to let them out, mum came. I quickly buried any evidence of emotional scaring and drove home.

Once home I went up to my room, got changed, put on some upbeat music then buried my head into the pillow as my emotions took over. I wanted it to stop it but I couldn’t, the though of all I lost, both past and present. I mourned for the exciting future built up in my mind as it disappeared infront of my eyes. By the time I’d pulled myself together it was time to do some jobs around the house. Standing outside, hanging washing on the line I felt the now familiar sensation of tears drizzling down my face. The cool breeze hitting my face reinforced the bitterness of my fragile state of mind.

The hardest part to fight is the bordom, not being motivated to do anything leaves me in a constant state of disarray. I’ve also noticed food no longer has the same appeal it once did. I couldn’t eat breakfast and only ate one can of tuna for lunch, which took nearly twenty minutes to force down. I’ve at least been drinking lots of water.

James and Tyson (my best friends) came around to hang with me, but even I could see how absent minded i’d become. No longer entertained by idle conversation, I felt as miserable with them as I did without them. I left them in my room to go get a drink of water. On my way back I passed my sisters room, I felt compelled to say something. I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold back the emotions so I closed the door and sat down, all I said was the words “C***e broke up with me yesterday” and the tears began all over again. They were made stronger as my sister moved to comfort me as best she could. I was always the tough older brother, it felt humiliating for her to see in such a vulnerable position but I knew it was inevitable. Seeing the shock in her eye as the words came out of my mouth only reignited the shock i’d felt the day before. Again the questions came surging through my mind, my brain analysing each one as if new, unthought of, as if the previous night of constant self questioning never happened.

Finally in the afternoon with absolutely no one home, I went for a lonely skate down by the lake. I found a park bench and again contemplated the situation, I tried desperately to convince myself that there’s no way we’d get back together but still the sneaky thought crept back into my head that perhaps this isn’t it, perhaps we may have a future together. Not straight away, but someday. Looking through the camera roll on my phone I found the last picture I took of her, she was resting her head on my shoulder as we rode the bus, it seemed to give those earlier thoughts some creditation. The atmosphere of being out there was soothing, even if I didn’t come to any new conclusions or realisations I’m glad I took that time out.

Dinner time and once again I find myself not even the slightest bit hungry. Hopefully my appetite comes back tomorrow so I can get back into the fitness routine I just started the week previous. By the end of the day I felt both mentally and physically drained, I guess the physical has something to do with with the lack of food. It’s just so hard when motivation is lacking. Before the break up I had been working on a little multimedia production however all work on that has ceased. I can’t even look it anymore.

Sleep is just as hard as the night before. I find myself laying on my sisters bedroom floor, afraid to lay in the bed where I spent so much time with my C***e, the last time I slept there was just two nights ago. That night would also happen to be the last time I felt her warmth as I drifted off to sleep. She went out into town with her friends that night but I waited up for her to come home, I assumed we were on the mend from our previous trouble. How wrong could I of been that night. Tonight I found myself writing down my thoughts to give myself some form of release. “More and more I think of everything I’d done for her, trying to make her happy in every way possible. Yet more and more I feel that somewhere along the way I failed. Somewhere I went wrong. Somehow I stuffed up what I thought was the perfect relationship. I failed to show her how much she really meant to me. But now that’s to late. Right now everything seems to remind me of her, I hear people talking and hope that maybe she’d snuck in and was talking to my mum like she always use to. Whenever I open my door to a knock I’m always wishing it’s her face I see first. I even mistook the silhouette of my dog standing up out the front as her sitting infront of the door. I see her Facebook posts in my newsfeed, they seem so ordinary, like nothings wrong. As if she’s moved on with no consequence while i’m stuck here fighting the dark thoughts in my mind. It’s not that I expect to see her post depressing status’s, I just wish I had a sign that she was going through something similar to what I am. Perhaps this is her form of copping.” Now I sleep with the lingering feeling/ hope that somehow this could still work out ok, it is the only thought that helps me to try and sleep soundly.

I feel my situation gradually getting worse. I used all my strength keeping myself together infront of her while she gave me the news, a somewhat vain effort at shielding her from guilt. But now that she’s gone, so has that former strength. Without her, I’m vulnerable, powerless and weak. A shadow of my former self.

As far as accomplishments went for the day go, I updated my log book, I now have less than 13 hours to go before I can get my car license. As a result I’ve organised to do a big drive on Friday to get closer to those last few hours. I’ve also applied for a few jobs online, fingers crossed I get something.

    

Day 1

It happend on a Monday afternoon, after an uneasy week she would come in my room for the last time. It was a civil conversation, tears on both sides for the acceptance that this is the path we’ve chosen.

Naturally I needed to spend time with someone. I personally am not big on alcohol, however against my better judgment I drank with my best mate James. Initially it was a to be pre drinks before going into town however other people canceled so we were stuck.  We called another friend Billy, who took us to KFC. I didn’t feel like eating anything, least of all greasy fried chicken. After KFC we ended up going into town for a skate at the skate park. Although still quite tipsy I decided to have a skate, not in the park but on the road, down the hills. It was the first time in moths I’d skated, the feeling was exhilarating. It wasn’t long before I had my shirt off and was carving down the hill like days of old. The feeling of freedom was an escape from my disintegrating reality. The time flew by, before we knew it we were back in the car and on our way to James’.

The distraction was needed, but I still couldn’t shake the hollow feeling inside, the silent drive home only seemed to amplify those emotions. My mind running continuously flashed up all the treasured memories of us as a couple, this only exemplified the shock that it was all over. Although I desired to be alone, I felt it best to be with good company.

My sleep was terrible. Even though I was sleeping with the company of James, it still took ages to fall asleep. I was so fixated, replaying word, every decision, every minutiae detail leading up to the separation, I just wished I could turn my brain off. I found little comfort even once I was asleep. I woke up every hour as if from a terrible nightmare only to realise I was living it. Getting back to sleep was just as hard as sleeping in the first place, I would ponder everything until my mind went numb and I couldn’t think no more. Even though I had my favourite podcast playing in my ear phones, it did little to drown out the thoughts going through my mind. That was my first nights sleep, the end to Day 1…